[maybe when they first met she would have been shocked into proper outrage. Maybe if things were different here she would be. As it is, all of it's just exhausting. So while she does open her eyes and turn to him, the annoyance doesn't rise to the point of anger. She does sigh loudly and pinch the bridge of her nose though]
How about 'all of the above'? [her voice is a little strained, and she doesn't look as he settles back onto the touch] He was-- [there's a tense silence; being a scientist and an optimist aren't entirely exclusive things, but they're close enough at times like this. She draws in a breath, the only acknowledgement she's slipping into past tense]--probably my best friend. before I fell for him. I was one of the only people who continued to associate with him outside of what was absolutely needed for work when his wife died and he--became even more of a standoffish bastard than he already was. [she knows what Nick is. And that's the problem. She has seen him at what's probably his absolute worst, and somehow she fell in love while he was pulling away from everyone. She's still really not sure how that happened. That seems to be a running theme in her life, getting close to people without quite knowing how she got there.
Her mouth twitches a little and she tips her head so it's not entirely against the back of the couch, but she's still not quite looking at Kavinsky. She might have told Eli this, but she hadn't met his eyes either and things had been a lot simpler then]
He called me Little Miss Brilliant. I'm still not sure where your nicknames fall in comparison. [she had done everything she could to avoid admitting that in Eudio, but now...well, it's something small of what Nick was in her world that wasn't subjective feelings. It's something he said, even if it was just a was just an acknowledgement that he didn't see her as a simpleton like he did the other ninety-nine percent of the population] He never seemed to see the chair. I used to wish I'd met him before his wife did. And then I'd hate myself for a little while for thinking that.
Of course he's not the only person I'm...worried about. The last thing I said to my parents was 'talk to you next week'. [she's quiet for another long moment, stroking her Eevee's fur almost thoughtfully--she hadn't let that quite sink in either, until now] I didn't...know how to even start the conversation about going to Eudio. So I didn't. It didn't seem to matter, if it worked out. And I could never say much about work, so they'd stopped asking questions when it seemed like I wasn't telling them something a long time ago. [it would have started discussions she had tried to tell herself she was done having years before about blame and choices and sacrifices. She'd been putting off hashing out the details of what would happen when she went home, what exactly she'd remember, for that exact reason. And now it didn't matter
She swallows hard, making a small huffing sound that might be an attempt at laughter, shaking her head]
So yeah. It's the fact I feel cheated out of something I maybe never would have had because there was another person involved, and that person and everyone I cared about might be gone. And I'm not good at thinking about those things because I couldn't let myself be for a long time. So. Thinking about the fact I wish we hadn't gotten interrupted that night and that I'd been able to talk him into doing more...it's easier. Missing and wanting and not being able to have him is awful, but it's something I'm used to feeling and I can stay up all night thinking about it without actually crying. I've sort of become an expert at it.
[her fingers curl, without thinking, tightening in her Eevee's fur enough to make Heddy squeak. Her eyes do widen, then, and she releases her hand numbly]
no subject
How about 'all of the above'? [her voice is a little strained, and she doesn't look as he settles back onto the touch] He was-- [there's a tense silence; being a scientist and an optimist aren't entirely exclusive things, but they're close enough at times like this. She draws in a breath, the only acknowledgement she's slipping into past tense]--probably my best friend. before I fell for him. I was one of the only people who continued to associate with him outside of what was absolutely needed for work when his wife died and he--became even more of a standoffish bastard than he already was. [she knows what Nick is. And that's the problem. She has seen him at what's probably his absolute worst, and somehow she fell in love while he was pulling away from everyone. She's still really not sure how that happened. That seems to be a running theme in her life, getting close to people without quite knowing how she got there.
Her mouth twitches a little and she tips her head so it's not entirely against the back of the couch, but she's still not quite looking at Kavinsky. She might have told Eli this, but she hadn't met his eyes either and things had been a lot simpler then]
He called me Little Miss Brilliant. I'm still not sure where your nicknames fall in comparison. [she had done everything she could to avoid admitting that in Eudio, but now...well, it's something small of what Nick was in her world that wasn't subjective feelings. It's something he said, even if it was just a was just an acknowledgement that he didn't see her as a simpleton like he did the other ninety-nine percent of the population] He never seemed to see the chair. I used to wish I'd met him before his wife did. And then I'd hate myself for a little while for thinking that.
Of course he's not the only person I'm...worried about. The last thing I said to my parents was 'talk to you next week'. [she's quiet for another long moment, stroking her Eevee's fur almost thoughtfully--she hadn't let that quite sink in either, until now] I didn't...know how to even start the conversation about going to Eudio. So I didn't. It didn't seem to matter, if it worked out. And I could never say much about work, so they'd stopped asking questions when it seemed like I wasn't telling them something a long time ago. [it would have started discussions she had tried to tell herself she was done having years before about blame and choices and sacrifices. She'd been putting off hashing out the details of what would happen when she went home, what exactly she'd remember, for that exact reason. And now it didn't matter
She swallows hard, making a small huffing sound that might be an attempt at laughter, shaking her head]
So yeah. It's the fact I feel cheated out of something I maybe never would have had because there was another person involved, and that person and everyone I cared about might be gone. And I'm not good at thinking about those things because I couldn't let myself be for a long time. So. Thinking about the fact I wish we hadn't gotten interrupted that night and that I'd been able to talk him into doing more...it's easier. Missing and wanting and not being able to have him is awful, but it's something I'm used to feeling and I can stay up all night thinking about it without actually crying. I've sort of become an expert at it.
[her fingers curl, without thinking, tightening in her Eevee's fur enough to make Heddy squeak. Her eyes do widen, then, and she releases her hand numbly]