xistentia | → did you see the light in my heart? did you see the sweat on my brow?

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→ did you see the light in my heart? did you see the sweat on my brow?

Characters: Clary Fray, Jace Herondale, and you.
Summary: The fightiest of children return from their canon update a little worse for wear.
Date(s): 08/10
Warnings/Notes: Spoilers for Shadowhunters Season 2 Episode 20: Beside Still Water. Blood, wounds. Talk of murder and death. Also a whole load of schmoop.

a. closed.

( One minute there’s quiet. The next, a blond-haired Shadowhunter is reappearing in a flash of light. He seems unbalanced, losing his footing almost at once, and grabbing hold of the console he falls against. Gasping, he drops to his knees before hitting the floor, leaving a bloody handprint on the console above him. His eyes are wide, his breaths shallow, and he lifts his hand to clutch the gaping wound in his chest. His eyelids flicker while unconsciousness tugs at him. He manages to say: )

Clary…

( Before darkness pulls him down. He faintly aware of a commotion around him, of raised voices, and then of hands taking hold of him. He’ll be unconscious before he knows where he’s going. A dark red stain is spreading on the floor. He has minutes left to live, unless they can help.

The sudden rush of aid from the temple officials is noisy enough to mask the appearance of another Shadowhunter. Bruised, dirty, her thoughts clearly elsewhere, it takes a minute for the girl to understand where she is. It’s only when someone calls out an order that she seems to come back to herself, turning on her heel sharply. Her gaze immediately finds the figure on the floor, the mop of golden hair pulling her forward, the paleness of his skin squeezing her heart. )

Jace.

( She’s moving without thinking about it, tears springing to her eyes. Clary reaches the nearest official within seconds, her hands on their arm and something urgent and desperate in her tone. ) Don’t -- Don’t hurt him. Please. You have to do something. You can’t --. He can’t …

( He can’t be dead. He can’t be. She can’t be without him.

But even with some hushed reassurance, she can’t just let them take him away by himself. So she pushes through to follow them, her eyes never leaving his face.)

b. open to all.

( Pikad and Caind find them eventually, bouncing and swooping in respectively. By now Jace has come back to himself enough to argue with the nurses. Clary busies herself with sending messages to their loved ones, though she imagines Alec will have known immediately. It comes with a room number, at least, so he won’t have to wander the whole of the city until he finds his parabatai. It’s a simple task, but it helps. She’s trying not to fall too deeply into her own thoughts, the worry and the panic still swirling around in her mind. He’s here, he’s safe, and they tell her he’ll be all right.

She won’t stop interrogating them, but she can’t help that.)

Stop terrifying them.

( This is delivered to Jace, Clary looking up at his scowling face with a smile, something soft in her gaze. She’s just as bad. Jace turns back to her, and his irritation melts at the sight. He leans back on his pillow, irritated at being stuck, but happier than he would be if he wasn’t here with her. )

If I don’t get out of here soon I’ll go crazy.

( He will. But he squeezes her hand all the same. He’s aware she’s been texting, and he sits up a little to watch her. A wince accompanies the move, reminding him that he’s still healing. )

What’d you tell ‘em?

( He squeezes her hand and she can’t help but bring their laced fingers up to her mouth, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. She’s allowed to do that now. )

Just that you were fine, but they wanted to keep you in for a while. ( Privately, Clary’s glad they are. She’s half afraid that if he leaves the hospital he’ll drop in front of her eyes. She doesn’t know how they managed to bring him back. She doesn’t want to think about it too much. She just wants him to be safe. ) Maybe someone will bring you grapes. You can have the full Mundane experience.

( He’d hate that, but thankfully she’s saved from his sass by the door opening. )

c. open to all.

( In the days after, when Jace has finally been released back onto the streets of Xist again, he’s a changed man. He’s more social than before, more willing to stop what he’s doing and talk to people on the streets. He’s also actually walking the streets, going into stores and looking for odds and ends that he takes home with him, and puts in the apartment that he’d previously left untouched. Clary is often seen with him, and when they’re not together, she’ll often be seen heading to and from his place - rarely ever visiting her own, except for the few times she goes to collect her own odds and ends from it.

Right now, though, it’s rare to see them apart. They seem stuck to each other, and they’re both more than fine with that. On this particular day, Jace has found a broken piano in what he assumes to be an old music hall, or something like it. He has the main body open, and he’s tinkering with the strings inside while Clary watches. )

I think I can fix it. I’d need to replace a couple of strings, but...I can do it.

You think we could get it back?

( Yes, he does mean to the apartment. A piano, to the apartment, between the two of them. Despite the fact that it’s still raining heavily. Do feel free to interrupt this insanity. )

d. wildcard

( Feel free to find either of them at various points around the city. If you need any questions answered you can find us at or

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[ Hours pass. More than hours, maybe. Jace is taken to a healing chamber, and it puts him back together. He comes back from the brink of death, and hovers somewhere between that and life. Eventually, he’s removed from the chamber and taken to a normal bed, where the medical team assures Clary he will wake up. His breathing is steady, and his pulse strengthens with each passing hour, but there’s little other sign of life. Then the hand she’s holding twitches and clenches, and his eyes flicker open.

They briefly flash to the ceiling, and then they fix on her. Jace frowns, confusion evident. ]

I...Clary, what happened?

[ He had not expected to see her. He had not expected to wake again. ]

Where are we?

( Her heart lurches in her throat when his grip tightens, adrenaline threatening to claw it's way from her throat. For a moment she can't speak, she can't do anything but watch the rise and fall of his chest, desperately willing it to keep going. )

I --. ( He'd died. She'd watched it happen. Even now his blood is still caked across her fingers, mixed with Valentine's. She hasn't had the chance to wash it off yet. ) We're in the hospital. ( Her voice is hushed, quiet and sad. Seeing his eyes open means her own are wet again. ) The people in the temple. They got to you. They managed to stop the bleeding. I don't know how, but they did it. And you're --.

( She won't cry. She won't. He doesn't need that. )

You're okay. You're safe now.

[ Jace has vague memories of arriving in the temple. He doesn't understand how he got there, and it had been such a leap from where he'd just been, and he can't really compute it. He remembers lying on the beach, talking to Clary, and then there was the temple, and then there was here and the pain is gone. Is she saying...? ]

Am I alive?

[ He feels alive. He's moving, breathing, talking. He hadn't thought death would feel like this. But he's with her, and if someone had asked him where he'd want to be, he'd have asked for this sight.

Well, maybe not this exact sight. He lifts his hand to her face, setting it against her cheek, and he wipes the smudges of tears away with his thumb. ]

I...was trying to tell you...

It. Doesn't matter now, I guess. Did you say hospital?

( She nods, but the tears are falling more freely now. She's trying so hard to keep it in, to contain it, but she just can't. All the rage and the pain and the terrible ache of loving him is bombarding her at once. She feels like a ship lost in a storm. She feels like a part of her was severed when Valentine shoved the blade into Jace's chest. )

I couldn't use an iratze. It was too bad a wound. And then whatever they did, they didn't want to mix the two. Just in case. ( It had cowed her enough to let them do it, half terrified she'd do something that would have him slipping away from her. )

Are you -? Are you okay? I can get one of the nurses. ( She doesn't want to leave him. ) I should probably do that.

No, don't...don't leave.

[ Jace says, immediately and without thinking. Now that he's waking up, he's aware of the pain. It's focused in his chest, and there's a great temptation to use a rune. He knows it would help. But maybe Clary's right, and he should let whatever healing the doctors here have started continue.

There'll be time to ask questions of them later. For now, he reaches to pull her closer. She's all he wants to see right now. Every second he spent looking at her is a second he didn't think he'd have. ]

I'm okay. I thought it was over, Clary.

What happened? With Valentine. I didn't see.

He's dead.

( For a moment her voice is edged with steel, sharp and unforgiving. It's enough to break through the grief. ) He's gone, Jace. He's not going to hurt anyone ever again. ( He won't be able to take anything from her ever again. A brother she never got to know, a mother that was taken from her too soon, a love that made her feel whole. She doesn't regret it, not for one second, she's just having a hard time processing.

Instead of focusing on it, she leans over the space between them, irritated by the bars of the bed, by the wires and the cables. She only wants to be able to touch him. Carefully, she lifts a hand to brush his hair back from his eyes, her fingertips trailing along the skin at his temples. )

Everything's going to be all right now.

[ Dead.

For Jace, it's complicated. Valentine had been his father. Not by blood, but he'd raised him. He'd taught him everything he knew. He'd also experimented on him, used him, beaten him to a pulp and put him back together again. Then in the end, he'd killed him. Tried to kill him. He should not feel sorry that he's dead, but there's a part of him that does.

The much larger part of him is relieved. So relieved. His eyes flick shut, and then open to focus on Clary. She'd done this. She'd killed him, she'd done what Jace couldn't do. He wraps his hands around her wrists, and then let's one go to touch her cheek. It moves into her hair. ]

You did it. I'm so proud of you, Clary. And I'm so sorry, that you had to do it without me.

[ Because that's the implication. That's why he doesn't remember. He'd been falling into darkness, and there may be a hospital here, but there hadn't been one where they were. He holds her, meeting her eyes steadily. ]

I was gone. Wasn't I.

You were --.

( The words choke off immediately, Clary turning her face into his hand. She can't say it, she can't bring herself to. Putting a voice to the words means she has to accept the reality of what happened. She can barely close her eyes because every time she does all she can see is how unnaturally still he was, laying there on the shore. The boy with such burning fire inside of him all snuffed out. It shouldn't be possible. Not with him.

Clary fidgets without meaning to, her hands twisting in her lap. There's blood still coating her fingers and it pulls every time she flexes them. She wants to cry, but Jace needs her. She can't let herself break down. )

All that matters is you're okay now.

( He's here.

Taking a breath, Clary does her best to pull herself together. She needs to focus, she needs to tell him the rest. ) He didn't manage to get the wish. Everyone's safe. The Downworld, and Alec and Izzy --. They're safe. Valentine can't hurt them anymore.

[ Jace nods.

His jaw is tense, his eyes glassy. It's obvious that whatever emotion he's feeling, he's holding it back. He can't let it wash over him, can't let it control him. He's here now, and he's with her, and Valentine is gone and their friends are safe. That's what matters, that's what he'd wanted.

If he has to die to make that happen? Then okay. He'd give his life for that, for them. For her. ]

You're safe. [ He says, and squeezes her hand. ] I'm here. I don't know how I'm here, but I am. There's a lot...a lot that I wanted to tell you, that I didn't get time for. It's nice to have the time.

( Tears cling to her eyelashes, but she still manages to smile at him, something soft and sweet on her face when he mentions time. Clary has never been so glad for world hopping as she is now. )

Yeah.

( She looks at their hands before pulling her gaze back up to his. )

We do. And this time we're on the same page. ( She knows everything she didn't now. How Jace managed to keep everything quiet is a mystery to her. But she isn't angry, couldn't be after all that's happened. At least they have the opportunity to work it out. )

( he'd known instantly that jace was back and that something was very, very wrong. it was a stab of pain like he'd felt before returning here, one that felt like only one possible thing. it faded, but still alec felt at the bond, like looking for the string that linked him to jace and following it back, heart in his throat. it felt like too soon to feel this way again, too much to feel his bond fade like this, even if only momentarily.

alec had already been out trying to get an approximative on jace's location when he received the text from clary. relief flooded him instantly, but didn't make him slow down in the least. he skipped using the streets in favor of the roofs, more able to run at his full shadowhunter speed from there.

he reaches the room in a harried state, not quite out of breath but a little, not even from physical exertion but from sheer worry about his parabatai. his shoulders slump at the sight of him, more relief flooding in that jace is up and chatting and well enough to be doing these things. not — not the other thing. not dead. he had to see to be sure, even if his rune looked fine and the initial feeling of something being terribly wrong had left. )

Jace, ( he says, making his way to his side, immediately putting a hand on his arm. ) I thought — Are you okay?

( and here he looks at clary, knowing jace is entirely capable of saying he's fine even if the nurses told him otherwise. he trusts her to say so if that isn't true, but also trusts she would be in more of a panic and wouldn't have said he was fine in her text if he wasn't. )

He's fine.

( The smile she offers Alec doesn't quite reach her eyes, but she's too relieved that Jace is okay to give in to the urge to weep right now. That can come later. Much later. When she's got it in her to leave Jace's side. Besides, what else can she say? He's fine for now? If he goes home he won't be? It's cruel. She wouldn't have the words for it anyway. )

They stopped the bleeding and gave him something for the pain. Though if he keeps annoying them they might try a sedative next.

( She cuts her gaze Jace's way, because she's clearly teasing. Also, don't mind them talking about you, Jace. )

Maybe you can convince him it's better that he lets them have their own way.

I'm f-

[ Jace starts, before breaking off with affront when he realises the question is directed to Clary. He shoots a deadeyeing look between the two of them, though it does noticeably soften when it settles on Clary. He moves his hand over hers, giving it a little squeeze.

In part, that's an attempt to comfort her. It's also a sign, though, a message to be careful what she says. Jace hasn't had time to think through everything that's happened to him. He knows if he were still at home, he'd have been heading for a morgue and not a hospital. He doesn't want to say it. He knows exactly how much that would hurt Alec, and he just doesn't want to put them there.

Not yet. Not today. ]

You guys can see I'm right here, right? [ He says instead, playing up any topic that's not death-related. He looks at Alec. He'll have felt the stab wound. It's probably why he was so worried when he arrived. ] I don't do well with bedrest. They think I need a couple of days, but I figure an iratze would take care of the rest. Sorry to worry you.

[ a lot of tension goes out of alec's body at the response. he had felt the wound, yes, and the pain was one thing. the odd draining sensation was another. it was like — something he doesn't want to think about.

he sighs when jace calls up their attention, giving him a mildly narrow-eyed look. ]

I think they know what you need. If they say bedrest, it's bedrest. [ that's followed by a raised eyebrow look at clary. right? if anything, the two of them have jace's wellbeing in common, both wanting him to take care of himself and not so recklessly endanger himself. alec at times hates how much clary brings out that side of jace, how similar they are feeding into each other, but he thinks right now she'll side with him on this, so he looks to her for support.

he looks to jace again. ]

You can't tell me that was nothing. [ because he felt it. there's no need for jace to lie and say it was just a scratch to his own parabatai.

but, added more soflty, full of genuine relief: ] Glad you're okay.

You're going to sit your ass down for as long as the doctors tell you to. Otherwise we'll have Magnus make you. I'm sure he can come up with some way to keep you still.

( At that thought, something occurs to her. It's been months and months for her, almost the same for Jace. Clary's still trying to sort out the worlds and their memories. Pikad tells her that they've only been gone days, but it feels like forever to her. Her entire family is gone now, and Jace --. ) He's still here, right? We weren't gone for that long. The daemons say it's only been a little while.

( If Alec's here, Magnus must be too. That's how it works. )

[ Jace meets Alec's eyes for a moment, and silent acknowledgement passes between them. Yeah, okay. It wasn't nothing. He can't, and won't pretend that it was. But he's not ready to talk about it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Right now it feels like one of the many things he would be best burying, for all their sakes. For Clary's, too. Jace knows how upset she'd been when he first woke up, and he's not eager to see that look again.

He takes quickly to the change of subject, and looks up at Alec. It's a fair point. Magnus notably hadn't come to the hospital. ]

Yeah. Is he okay? How...are you guys?

[ That's a bigger question than it sounds. At home, things haven't been wonderful between them. ]

( he won't push after that look from jace, not here and not now. it had been brushed off at home, too, and what mattered was that jace was okay now. he was there, in front of his eyes, breathing and talking and assured by the hospital that he was and would be fine.

he looks over at clary with a little smile, because yeah, he would definitely resort to claiming he could ask magnus to ensure jace sits still as long as he needed.

the little smile only fades at jace's question. )

Yeah, he's here. You've only been gone a few days. ( it's not an easy question to answer at all, and this doesn't feel like the right time or place to go into detail. trust jace to be the one hospitalized and ask about them, show concern for magnus. alec touches jace's arm again, unable to help feeling a pang of affection. it's followed by a sigh, but he does answer. ) He's been better, but he'll be okay. We're... Work in progress. We're working on it.

( that last bit feels a bit dismissive, and that's because there isn't much to say that doesn't upset him on some level. it's hard, that much is clear, but he also has complete faith things will be fine.

turning to clary: ) What about you, Fray? You holding up?

You'll get there. You two are pretty strong.

( It had been strange to lose what relationship she'd built up with Alec on their wild and weird world tour. It had been even harder to live through what followed. But it hasn't dimmed her fondness for him, in fact she's kind of glad she knows all now, that they're at the same point both here and back home.

Which means she can still be supportive. )

I'm fine, honest.

( She will definitely end up crying in the bathroom at least four times a day, but it's better than the alternative. )

I could do without the memory shuffle headache all this causes, but you know, beyond that. ( She shrugs, but her gaze is pulled back towards Jace, smile crossing her face as she strokes her thumb along where he's holding her hand. )

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→ did you see the light in my heart? did you see the sweat on my brow?

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