01 🍆 [catch-all] with a graveyard tan carrying a cross;

[pillz]

Characters: Joseph Kavinsky & whoever wants in! Currently just a beleaugered grandmother!
Summary: Trolls gonna troll, even after the apocalypse— especially after the apocalypse. Will write starters in comments, the entry is empty. Feel free to PP or PM me if you want something particular.
Date(s): Catch-all for the foreseeable future
Warnings/Notes: Character carries a general warning for offensive language (racist, homophobic, sexist language, rude remarks about consent), as well as mental illness and drug use.



D: like i said

Comments

[miss_brilliant]

[Amanda's mouth twitches with what could as easily be a grimace as it could be a smile, she's honestly torn as to what's appropriate and what she should show.]

No, it really doesn't, as much as I wish it did.

[she sighs, tipping her head against the back of the couch and closing her eyes] I mentioned him. I didn't talk about him much because….I don't know. Because I sound pathetic when I talk about him? He was the coworker I kissed when I was using another woman's body.

[which was why she hadn't told anyone besides Kavnisky and Arthur about him, given the extremely gray area that had fallen into.

She actually barks a laugh at the washboard abs comment] He was--is probably about twenty years my senior, and a caffeine, nicotine addicted Glaswegian to boot. At any rate, I'm pretty sure I told you he was the only person I thought about when I masturbated, but not much else.

[the fact the word comes easier now than it did in Eudio should be strange. Maybe it's just because now her hangups just don't seem to matter, in the face of the possibility Nick might be--

She cuts that thought off before it can go to its logical conclusion, listening to Kavinsky knocking around. It's a nice distraction, which is disturbing in its own right.]

He is the reason I didn't...do much in Eudio, in that particular sphere. And a good part of why I got very drunk on my birthday. The plan was supposed to be that when I left I'd be able to tell him there was at least one less barrier to us being….whatever I wanted us to be. I don't even really know what I thought that was going to be now. [she'd never let herself go too far in those fantasies, scared of getting lost in them. But now they might be all she'll ever get]

[pillz]

['in that particular sphere,' kavinsky almost parrots her from the kitchen. 'one less barrier.' her words seem to be a setup for all the horrifying remarks he could make, about her genitalia and speculation as to its condition, her hymen, the question of atrophy, all the usual awful ableist things. instead

he carries out tumblers of some boozy concoction, fizzy with soda and very strong. two of them. one heavy glass goes right to amanda, stuck into her shoulder with enough force to send the ice cubes rattling around.

in a moment, he's thumping back down to sit beside her, leaning back into the cushions. staring at the tv. pretending to be more interested in titties than her story, even though that isn't true, not even a little.] Are you fucked up he died, or are you fucked up you didn't get to make out with him for realsies even if he is? Or-- [he takes a mouthful of fizzy booze, slides his ass down on the couch.] Or, maybe you're just thinking about him because it's a good distraction. But it ain't really about him. Sometimes I got that way about guys whose dick I wanted to sit on.

[he twists his too-big lips into a cheerful leer, folding his fingers into a shocker for a moment. maximum empathy. maximum understanding.]

[miss_brilliant]

[maybe when they first met she would have been shocked into proper outrage. Maybe if things were different here she would be. As it is, all of it's just exhausting. So while she does open her eyes and turn to him, the annoyance doesn't rise to the point of anger. She does sigh loudly and pinch the bridge of her nose though]

How about 'all of the above'? [her voice is a little strained, and she doesn't look as he settles back onto the touch] He was-- [there's a tense silence; being a scientist and an optimist aren't entirely exclusive things, but they're close enough at times like this. She draws in a breath, the only acknowledgement she's slipping into past tense]--probably my best friend. before I fell for him. I was one of the only people who continued to associate with him outside of what was absolutely needed for work when his wife died and he--became even more of a standoffish bastard than he already was. [she knows what Nick is. And that's the problem. She has seen him at what's probably his absolute worst, and somehow she fell in love while he was pulling away from everyone. She's still really not sure how that happened. That seems to be a running theme in her life, getting close to people without quite knowing how she got there.

Her mouth twitches a little and she tips her head so it's not entirely against the back of the couch, but she's still not quite looking at Kavinsky. She might have told Eli this, but she hadn't met his eyes either and things had been a lot simpler then]

He called me Little Miss Brilliant. I'm still not sure where your nicknames fall in comparison. [she had done everything she could to avoid admitting that in Eudio, but now...well, it's something small of what Nick was in her world that wasn't subjective feelings. It's something he said, even if it was just a was just an acknowledgement that he didn't see her as a simpleton like he did the other ninety-nine percent of the population] He never seemed to see the chair. I used to wish I'd met him before his wife did. And then I'd hate myself for a little while for thinking that.

Of course he's not the only person I'm...worried about. The last thing I said to my parents was 'talk to you next week'. [she's quiet for another long moment, stroking her Eevee's fur almost thoughtfully--she hadn't let that quite sink in either, until now] I didn't...know how to even start the conversation about going to Eudio. So I didn't. It didn't seem to matter, if it worked out. And I could never say much about work, so they'd stopped asking questions when it seemed like I wasn't telling them something a long time ago. [it would have started discussions she had tried to tell herself she was done having years before about blame and choices and sacrifices. She'd been putting off hashing out the details of what would happen when she went home, what exactly she'd remember, for that exact reason. And now it didn't matter

She swallows hard, making a small huffing sound that might be an attempt at laughter, shaking her head]

So yeah. It's the fact I feel cheated out of something I maybe never would have had because there was another person involved, and that person and everyone I cared about might be gone. And I'm not good at thinking about those things because I couldn't let myself be for a long time. So. Thinking about the fact I wish we hadn't gotten interrupted that night and that I'd been able to talk him into doing more...it's easier. Missing and wanting and not being able to have him is awful, but it's something I'm used to feeling and I can stay up all night thinking about it without actually crying. I've sort of become an expert at it.

[her fingers curl, without thinking, tightening in her Eevee's fur enough to make Heddy squeak. Her eyes do widen, then, and she releases her hand numbly]

[pillz]

[accidentally taking out your feelings on something that cries out in pain in response. that sounds familiar. kavinsky glances at the eevee for a moment, his lip curling, going still. relaxing again, out of a sneer. but he just drinks his drink instead of answering immediately, allowing her time to talk, to think, to bridge the gaps between those two activities with uneven silences and gestures involving animals.]

You know, cheated makes it sound like some part of your li'l head fucked up and started thinking there was a promise in there. [he leans forward, stoops down. reaches with his free hand to start peeling off his shoes, make himself comfortable on this hard-won couch. thump, thump. soon they will have an army of roombas to take care of the floor, no worries on hygiene. (kavinsky's never quite worried enough about hygiene.)] Which was a'ight in Eudio, but shit, woman. It sounds like you did fuck for negotiation there too.

I knew a girl who asked to get her prince's hand in fucking marriage when she went home. You made a bad deal, sweetheart. When we get back there, you gotta get that shit sorted. If you know what you want, you gotta go after it. You get me? Only promises you can make are the ones you fucking owe yourself. [he jabs her in the leg with his forefinger. it's cold, a little, from the icy glass.]

Get your ovaries out.

[miss_brilliant]

[Amanda snorts softly, nodding as her hands occupy themselves with smoothing Heddy's fur in silent apology. Thankfully, Heddy was pretty resilient and wasn't easily chased away by a little tug.]

Oh, it definitely did. I would absolutely love to say I thought out every last detail, but he's always had a way of making me pretty much the most illogical person. [she sighs, realizing then that she's still wearing her shoes as well, and clumsily toeing them off]

I told myself it wouldn't be fair to ask to be with him because I'd be taking him away from the ship and even if it was a rustbucket it was also something he'd been looking for for years. I guess I was probably scared if I actually asked for more than…[she waves at herself] That it wouldn't live up to everything I've built up in my head. When you've been fantasizing about someone for the better part of a decade..I've probably made him something he can never be. And maybe none of that's actually true, maybe he would be glad to be back in a place with coffee and cigarettes and we'd be perfectly happy and maybe...maybe we wouldn't and I'd be angry that only half my wish came true. So, I just asked for half of it to start with.

[she turns to him, actually smirking a little] You know, you would have been the last person I would have expected to even listen to this not that long ago, much less actually care about the end result.

[pillz]

[wow why are they suddenly talking about him? kavinsky doesn't like it. he's very selective about his limelight, about being seen in a certain way.] Man shut up, [he says.] I'm making fun of you and drinking liquor. That is one hundred fucking percent in character. [but he knows that even his playful defensiveness is a concession he doesn't make for most people. he wouldn't have made that concession at all, two years ago.

he lets people in, bit by bit. he's let amanda in. enough to be an actual person around her, sometimes.]

I guess that's kind of how I built up my incentive too. Kind of. I mean I asked for some big shit. A whole new life-- but it was just about me. Nobody else. But for me it wasn't about doing it halfway. For me, I figured if my incentive depended on somebody else, it'd be more fucking disappointing. People are assholes, Perry. Especially when you're the asshole. [kavinsky shrugs his skinny shoulders, glancing down at his drink.] Hey. Kinda related. How do you feel about vampires?

[miss_brilliant]

[she chuckles, both at him and the Eevee deciding to get back at her by putting its forepaws on her shoulder and making it a little more of a challenge to sit comfortably. ] Sure, of course.

[that seeming non-sequitur makes her blink, but then she shrugs] Neutral, I suppose? I think the only interaction I really had with any in Eudio was when we first met when--[she'd actually almost forgotten that thanks to the temple, he'd been changed then too. Because she hadn't known him as any different, and because honestly she had bigger concerns at the time then his diet at that time

But now--]

Was that something you wanted to make permanent? [there's not any judgement there, just honest curiosity. It's not like she didn't dream about being something besides human when she was younger, given the circumstances. But when she'd started working with actual alien technology, that had seemed both childish and honestly a lot less impressive than it used to]