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daemon: Gildad
Preferred Alias: Mandy
RED - Something about yesterday: I spent an obscene amount of time trying to remember all the words to The Ladies Who Lunch.
ORANGE - Something you do well: Making costumes.
YELLOW - Something about your childhood: I used to like going to church, mostly for the hymms.
GREEN - Something you learned last week: They've made Lord of the Rings films. I don't think I'd watch them, even if I'm sure the costumes are gorgeous.
BLUE - Something you can't live without: Cigarettes
INDIGO - Something you watch: The Batman televison show in reruns.
VIOLET - Something you listen to: The Carpenters.
[what's worse, Gildad being truthful in telling people both that she used to enjoy church or that she listens to The Carpenters? Probably the latter]
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We mostly went for Christmas, and I tuned out everything but the music. I found it resonated more deeply with me than the scripture. Not that I read much of it.
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Yeah, me too. Although, there's a fair bit to be said for some of the text when you dig into it on your own and aren't having it horribly interpreted for you by someone in a robe. But I blame some of that on nights where I was alone in hotels and the bible was literally the only thing around because I hadn't been wise enough in packing.
[the fact she hadn't packed books because she'd planned on other entertainment and Brian had skipped out without her on some of those nights...yeah, she's not going that far]
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but my dad and brother never needed the religious justification to think I was filthy and disgusting.
I suppose it was just because they'd never met anyone like me, but it still hurt.
[As terrifying as it is to reveal his scars to Mandy, there's the secure, safe feeling that no matter what he says, she won't judge him for it, and it allows him to breathe after typing what he'd said.]
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Yeah. I know.
It wasn't quite so bad for me, guess that's one thing where us girls get out easier. We're a lot more likely for people to think we're just too close to our friends and let it slide when we're younger because we'll obviously be fixed of it when we find a man to teach us what love really is.
[which messed her and a few girls she knew up in a different way, because everyone told them their feelings weren't anything more than friendly for long enough that sometimes it was hell to figure out what you really felt once you were out]
It's ridiculous that the literal end of the world is the place that doesn't have that kind of crap.
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He was quite thrilled by the whole thing, as far as I'm aware, but our parents and teachers weren't happy, to say the least.
After summer he transferred to a different school. I never saw him again.
He had this lovely head of blond hair....I suppose it informed my type, later on.
[It's strange, how easy he finds it to open up to Mandy--but then again, she's one of few people who's ever truly understood where he's coming from. As awkward as it is, it also feels good to let it out, somewhere he doesn't have to worry about being scolded or shamed for feeling what he feels.]
I get the feeling people have got other things to worry about, here. At least, things that are more important than whose bits go where.
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[it's still fucked, that most of her stories of how she discovered herself are a laugh, and his and so many people's aren't. Even as much as cold as she tries to pretend she is, that stuff will never stop being complete shit]
Yeah. Which is still crazy, since there's certainly more important things people should be worried about back home, still. Regardless, it's a nice change.
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I'm sure you can guess how I feel about subtlety, considering the way I dress and the men I fancy. I suppose it has its place, but there's something to be said for someone who behaves exactly as they are.
[Of course, there's one person in particular they're both thinking of. The more they talk about him, the more Arthur starts to feel like they share something--some kind of secret bond, forged in mutual longing.
Maybe not unlike the one she'd had with Curt initially.
He's getting used to the deflection via humor, and also the speed with which Mandy can change from raw, heartbreaking honesty to sardonic, razor-sharp witticism, but the more they talk the more he understands that, too, and he's starting to remember the steps to this particular parry.]
I have a theory about that.
I think most people can't see far enough outside of themselves to care about things that happen on a large scale. At its narrowest, the world isn't real except for them, so they don't feel a need to look out for anyone else's interests. For my parents, the entire world was our neighborhood, so nothing mattered but how my being a pouf would make them look to the family down the street.
But when people treat you terribly for no good reason, you start thinking about everyone else who's being treated terribly as well.
At least, I did.
From what I understand, it does get better. Even if it's a long way off, there's something to hold onto.
Er, sorry, I didn't mean to carry on.
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[she thinks that's the first she's really admitted that she'd been...well, not celibate, but far less active than she'd been before. And she doesn't know if that's sad or not, all things considered.
if they were having this conversation in person, Mandy might have laughed involuntarily at all that and said something about that's where that future journalist has been lurking. But as it is, it just takes her a few moments longer to respond]
No, it's. Fine. And I do think you've got a point. I know at the very least I know the reason my parents pulled me out of university and made me go out on my own after...what happened was to try to cover it up before any of their friends found out and less about my own well being. Which was fine by me in the end, since it gave me an excuse to stop caring about anything but clubbing.
[it wasn't fine, really; she'd had most of a degree done that she would have actually wanted to use, but most, and then she got married and...well.]
And in the end, that was a good thing, since it made me run into all the lot who had it much harder and...inspired me to try to do something. Even if that was just giving them a man playing guitar in a dress in public.
[she still sort of wishes Brian hadn't changed that for fame, since that had seemed like the truest version of himself, at least at the time. But that's a whole other story]
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[It's hard to admit to, but Mandy has been so open with Arthur he can't bring himself not to return that kindness. In a way, it's a refreshing take on interaction, not to hide anything that might be unpleasant behind a thick veneer of stoicism and invulnerability.]
As far as I can tell, there's always someone who's had it harder than you, but that's true for them too. Just because someone else might have had it harder in some ways doesn't mean it wasn't hard for you at all. I got off lucky, compared to a lot of people I spoke to, but I still bled.
For me, at least, it wasn't the frock or the makeup or the glitter,
it was the willingness to put them in front of a camera in the first place. I thought there was something wrong with me until I saw that I wasn't the only one.