[ Here is a green, hairy face, wearing a Santa hat, staring right into the camera. ]
Is this thing on? I'm ready for my CLOSE UP!
[ Camera lens: meet yellow eyeball. He sees you, he sees you – oh, wait, it actually is recording. He grins, backs up, and spreads his hands as if showing off his room. He's wearing a full Santa coat to match the hat. The rest of him is just long-limbed, green, hairy, and pot-bellied.
His room is dark, dank, and cluttered with piles of actual trash. ]
Greetings, one and all! Ladies. Gentlemen. Boys and girls. [ He says that with particular sneering venom. ]
I am the Grinch. No autographs. I hope you all enjoyed your little shindig last night. I've taken the opportunity to relieve you of your presents, no need to thank me.
[ Pause. ]
I said, no need to thank me.
[ There's some barking off screen, and then a little dog with an antler tied to his head runs into view. He tugs on a dangling rope, and piped applause fills the room. The Grinch gasps and clutches his face. ]
You're too kind. Now – cut that off – [ and abruptly, the dog lets go of the rope. The applause stops. ] – It has come to my attention that a bunch of you hitched a ride on my sleigh, without even paying the fare! Which was rude. I have bills to pay. Do you think I'm –
[ The dog barks again, and the Grinch refocuses. ]
All right! Ignoring that. Bottom line, you're now stuck in Whoville. FOREVER! [ He glowers into the camera, hairy lips pressed into a tiny line. ] You'll hate it there. It's so friendly, and noisy, and full of social interaction. Did I say noisy? Because - WHAT, Max?!
[ This, because the dog is barking again. He barks some more, and then the Grinch eyerolls his way off the camera. ]
Oh, yeah, those guys. [ Huge fake smile! ] And now a word from our sponsors.
[ The picture flicks off, momentarily replaced with a grey loading screen. Then, a brightly coloured and much nicer room appears. There's a wooden table filled with wrapping paper, scissors and sticky tape, and the background is decorated by tinsel, sparkling fairy lights and a Christmas tree. At the table sits a doll-like girl with pointed elf ears, a candystriped red, green and white shirt, and a red apron around her neck. Her hair is pulled into pigtails tied with tinsel, and her smile is bright and cheerful enough to hurt her face. ]
Hi everyone! Happy holidays!
[ Her head tilts to one side. Her eyes are so bright they're almost sparkling. ]
On behalf of D.E.S.T.I.N.Y, I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your recent rescue from the Prison World, Xistentia. We are so sorry for the stress this must have put you through! We'll be doing our utmost to make sure you stay safe and happy here in Whoville. Please, grab a room in the Whotel, and take advantage of the town's hospitality! It's a swell place. Have a great day! We hope you enjoy your stay.
Toodles!
[ She winks, and her cheerful scene disappears. The Grinch comes back, looking huffy and disgruntled. His arms are folded. ]
I hope you hate it!! Give my regards to Mayor Maywho!
Tempting as that glorious invitation may be, I think I shall stay here in
the comforts of home.
[ He spreads his spidery green hands out, taking in the trashpile
that is his house. Seriously, there's so much trash around him. Now, in his
meanest tone: ]
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no subject
fuckin
do u have a butthole under all taht green fur, can u sit on a bowl of dicks
get teh whole bowl in
fuck u man
[somebody is upset their ex has disappeared without explanation.]
no subject
[ The Grinch laughs, and whispers conspiratorially: ]
I'm kidding. I don't give gifts! I take them.
Aaaanywho, will that be all? I have SO much to do. Garbage to eat. Children to terrify. It's a busy day!
no subject
do u steal gift cards 2
no subject
Everything!!!! You think you're a wise guy, huh?
no subject
you wanna go im right outside
& down the hill some
past this forcefield bullshit
weird
ur whole digs is weird
no subject
Tempting as that glorious invitation may be, I think I shall stay here in the comforts of home.
[ He spreads his spidery green hands out, taking in the trashpile that is his house. Seriously, there's so much trash around him. Now, in his meanest tone: ]
Happy holidays.