o2 ⚔ find someone to hold your hand

[bangitybang]

Characters: Janus LeFevre & CR
Summary: Janus is leaving Xistentia to join their paramour back in their homeworld. They farewell to their lovers shortly before joining one last final mission in Panultima.
Date(s): Early February 2018
Warnings/Notes: NSFW nudity, some sexual content likely!



closed to rafaello;

[janus hadn't taken many people to their apartment when zeke was living here, and now that zeke is gone, it feels too empty. one of the reasons why they invite rafaello over, even if it's smaller and simpler by far than the lovely farmhouse where they'd gotten to sneak their callused hands into the vampire's tiny outfits. they lit some candles, changed the sheets, and then acquired a mammoth bouquet of roses and a bath bomb that turned the tub's contents a nebulae of purple and turquoise.

rafa hadn't taken too much convincing to disrobe and step into the water, alone-- at least for now, and they like the way that he looks, immersed in the rippling color, which leaves luminous flecks like mobile constellations on his little round arms and narrow chest. janus runs their fingers through the surface, skims the tips up rafa's hip, ribs. stops shy of making the final leap up to his chin. they look at his face.]

I have to leave soon, [they say, because they don't know what else to do when his eyes are bright and his hair is tied up like that, into a little bun, perched on the back of his head, setting his jawline off to such advantage. they don't know what else to do, when they know that the smile nested in his fangs won't stay.] Not tonight, I mean. But from Xistentia. I wanted to tell you.

closed to rosie;

[since the first-- rather embarrassing encounter at the citadel, they've met several times. janus has taken her out to eat now and again, expending as much effort and resources as you possibly can, considering that technically money doesn't exist in this city and barter is only a requirement to get better and finer than the baseline for survival. still, they enjoy her company— whatever is between them has seemed to be largely exempt from the sometimes tearful, sometimes naked internet, sometimes fantastically violent drama that revolves around rosie's life. they've fought in the same war, which was bad enough; it didn't have to get any more complicated than that.

but it did, of course. mostly, because janus has come to think of her as a friend.

today, they've picked a cafe along the edge of a lovely boulevard. tentative greenery on trees seem to be warring with a fuzz of frost. it's been a nice opportunity to wear a coat, which is black like all of janus' clothes, but heavy, unlike anything they got to wear at home in florida. they've threaded their arm through her arm and purchased a coffee for her that has both liquor settling at the bottom and a cream heart floating at the top, and asked to share some of it.] I have to tell you something, [they say, reaching to rub a pip of foam off her bottom lip.] It's-- important.

closed to era;

[once upon a time, a young genderqueer met with the warrior of light in the woods and provided to her some liquid chalk. they've only seen her around sporadically since then, as they had both been occupied with the defense of the city, and then the dozens of strange distractions that the world had to offer besides. they'd puled her into the orgy event, with a gentle warning, but separation had occurred almost immediately— after all, janus doesn't quite have the same restraints as she does. and there's a city to power with all the passion of sex.

but they're leaving now. so its daemon-to-daemon that they reach out again, for the last time. inviting her back to her old camp, where they'd met many months ago.

and on the tree stump where they'd sat before, there's a fresh glass of milk, another box of oreos. janus is sitting there, slightly slouched, their freckly nose turned toward the slow-rising sun. it's brisk, but the thaw is arriving over xistentia. janus brought a blanket in case, a big, heavy dark-red thing with tassels at the edges. they're waiting, in something of a reverie, but far more alert to subtle sounds in their environment than you'd guess just by looking at them.]

Comments

[hasitsthorns]

[ Janus, for as observant as they are, will likely pinpoint the exact fraction of a second that Rose doesn't like what she hears. Her smile wanes, posture gets just a minuscule amount tighter. 'I'm leaving' hits a lot harder than even she had anticipated. Most people don't get the chance to say good-bye, they just leave. Maybe she got used to that. While she always thought she'd have preferred to have the closure, now that there's an opportunity where she might she isn't convinced. This doesn't feel much better.

But 'I have a boyfriend' is where she softens again a little, less edge and more understanding. If Vanyel were to say he had to go home tomorrow, she... Would she follow him? There was a time that she had imagined that was the only place left for her in the multiverse but now things are different. She doesn't want to think about that, however, so- ]

Oh, [ she finally settles for. It's a lot more loaded than a single syllable, two letter word has any right to be. ] Who, uhm. Who was your boyfriend?

[ Because of her own relationship(s), it doesn't alarm her that they'd been taken. Though it sounds as if they weren't entirely sure they were themself even in going back to with them.
She hopes that works out, she does- But she's also maybe a little selfish and wishes that it didn't mean having to part ways. ]

[bangitybang]

[janus can tell, yes. it bothers them a little bit, in a way that wouldn't have ten years ago. ten years ago, they didn't honestly much care if people got snitty about what they did, because they were always certain of their own actions. they had their mission, and very little else. they'd cut out their own heart and sacrificed it for the mission, and then they'd never looked back.

but these days, they're a little less... well, if you asked the old them, they'dve said: it was a loss of discipline. soft-heartedness, maybe even weakness. but these days, janus thinks there's something to be said for grace.

they look around. find a couple of seats under the outdoor heater, padded chairs and a small table. they tug her gently to sit. they put their own drink down first, and don't let go of her hand until she's properly enthroned.] I don't know if you met him, [they tell her.] His name is Ezekiel. He'd an incubus, but in our world, like yours, demons aren't always malicious by nature.

[taa daaaaa]

[hasitsthorns]

[ The constant hold helps her feel just a little better. While she's not naive enough to think it'll somehow tether them to her, she's still grateful for it. It helps her feel maybe a little more at ease with the idea that she isn't losing them. Not necessarily. She's traveled twice now through the multiverse. Surely, there has to be a way to do it of her own volition. Surely, she'll find it and be able to visit all her friends someday. And she does consider Janus a friend. One of the better ones she's had, probably.

They start talking again and she barely registers the name. Ezekiel. The man who had known another her from his reality. Somehow, it hadn't occured to her that Janus might be from the same universe. Had they known that version of her too? She wants to ask about it, a little but- No. Focus. This isn't the time. This isn't about her. The point is, she remembers him. She also remembers... ]

Oh, my gods. [ A hand goes to cover her reddening face in an attempt to hide her embarrassment at herself. ] You're the one he was in love with. I, uh. [ How to say this? ] At the Halloween party, he told me about someone he was in love with. He told me that you didn't love him back and so, I. I may have. I may have said that someone who didn't love anyone as great as him was probably garbage?

[ Haha. Ha. Oops. She finally looks up over her fingers and he can see in the crinkle of her eyes that, despite herself, she's smiling. ]

Sorry, dude.

cw underage

[bangitybang]

[at first, janus is deeply absorbed in her reaction. not wanting to upset her, knowing that they probably will, at least a little. years and years of training their observational skills have granted janus a remarkably keen grasp of the little tells that people have, for poker, for pain. it's not until later in their adolescence that they learned something of it for pleasure, and then later still that they began their study of real compassion.

they're worried, basically. but then she says that, and it makes them blinks a little, owlishly. their train of thought interrupted, and then-- a little surprise. they have to smother a laugh, keeping their coffee planted squarely on the table so no burning accidents happen to them or their coat.]

You were being protective of someone you cared about, [they tell her.] Against someone you didn't know. That's more than understandable. I imagine if I'd told you there was a strange man who insisted they loved me since I was a child, and it concerned me, you would've taken my side.

[it's mostly a joke, that they then exaggeratedly raise their eyebrows at her. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?]

[hasitsthorns]

[ Well, that's actually... fair. If Janus had come to her first about Zeke, it's very likely she would have told them the incubus was a creep and needed to back the hell off already if Janus wasn't feeling it. Rose is rather defensive of her friends; it's a lot easier to fight for other people's happiness than pursue her own. It always has been. ]

I mean. I guess.

[ No, she knows. So does Janus, she's pretty sure. Still. Some levity is necessary right now or else she might really be embarrassed about sticking her foot in her mouth yet again. ]

I didn't know you two were... invovled. [ There's a little retoractive guilt, maybe. Just a fraction of it though. If they had ever been exclusive, she imagines she would have known. Janus seems like the type to keep secrets, however, so it's possible that maybe she wouldn't have. It's a little hard to say. What isn't is, ]

All name-calling and assumptions on my part aside, I hope you guys can be happy back home.

[bangitybang]

[so self-deprecating. janus watches the minute changes on her facial expression, guessing easily the way that her train of thought is traveling. checking out the argument, trying to imagine the situations adjusting, trying to put herself in the new scenario, to see if she's any good, because on first pass, she doesn't think she's any good. they feel a surge of fondness for her in their heart, akin to the warmth they have in them when they think of rafa.

on impulse, they kiss her right between her eyebrows, their breath brushing warm through the blonde hair on the top of her head.]

Thank you, [they say.] I am a little afraid. I thought our lives were taking us in different directions, and perhaps they are. Perhaps we're only kidding ourselves. But I want to try. He's worth trying for.

[hasitsthorns]

[ While it's not expected, the gesture certainly isn't unwelcome. Her train of thought is sufficiently derailed and she instead just smiles. It's a bittersweet sort of thing though; she'll miss spontaneous kisses and sweetness from Janus likely even before she thinks she will. She'll have to find a way to visit, someday. Maybe she can even meet this other her that they and Zeke had known. Wouldn't that be something? Maybe her life is something a little more stable than this universe-hopping, heart left in many worlds version of Rose.

Or maybe she's just as much of a mess in different ways. That seems more likely, really. Never let it be said Rose isn't at least somewhat self-aware. ]

Isn't it a scary and wonderful thing? Finding someone worth trying for? [ She thinks immediately of Vanyel, honestly. She had never wanted to truly try until him. ] If nothing else, you can at least say that you did try in the end. That's more than most people have.

I'll miss you, but- At least I know you have a chance at being happier where you're going. [ She wishes, a little selfishly maybe, that she had the ability to make them just as happy. To stay. But she doesn't and for as hard as that is to accept- She does. Or she will, at least. ]

[bangitybang]

[look at rosie. learning and growing in leaps and bounds. not that they know what she was like before all this-- janus has only ever known her having met vanyel, known him, grown with him. knowing real love has given her the ability to know and appreciate the pain that others go through when it's taken from them, a ballast to her fear and turmoil that hasn't cost her her willingness to kill the enemy.

all things that they appreciate about her. what they want for themself, too, even though some part of them worries that it's moment like these, the scent of a woman's hair in their nose, the selfless sweetness of her good wishes, the tilt of her slim shoulders, and the faint unfocus in her eyes when she talks about them but is thinking of her own life and story. 'scary and wonderful.' they scarcely ever admit to anything being wonderful to anyone.

'scary,' well. that's right out. but they say,]

Yes, [and they mean it.] Exactly that. It almost feels like... [they pause, absent-mindedly rubbing their fingers on the long sleeve covering her arm.]

[hasitsthorns]

[ She's come a long way, anyone would say. It's still strange. After three decades of feeling practically stationary, Eudio and Xistentia both seem like they've gone by in a neck break pace. In the span of only a year and a half, she's done far more and made deeper relationships than in the thirty prior to it.

But that's not a bad thing. Not for Rose, at least. Scary, certainly, but not bad. Not really. Change was something she thought she was used to in her nomadic ways but failed to realize that even consistent change is just that: consistent. These multiversal hubs full of interesting, wonderful people like Vanyel and Janus and maybe even Vex (but only sometimes) have shifted her life and how she views it in extraordinary ways.

She'll always be thankful for that. And while she doesn't understand why all good things must come to an end, she's glad that she got the time with Janus she did after all. One of the many ways she's grown in the last year and some change for sure. The way she smiles at them is bittersweet whereas before it might've just been bitter. She lets them brush their fingers over her though, not quite yet wanting to let go even though she knows inevitably she'll have to.

'Just a little more' is usually carried away with Rose who has a hard time stopping herself but- She thinks she has the restraint this time. ]

Like fate? Or maybe even destiny?

[bangitybang]

[what a line to use in this world, and this time, with such people. like fate, or even destiny. janus hesitates for a moment-- for one thing, because of the implications and insinuations that that might inadvertently raise, albeit for audiences less sensitive and emotional than rosie is. but also, because they've always taken an oddly secular approach to even their owm mystical universe. maybe 'secular' isn't even right; cynical, maybe.

minotaurs and angels, they could understand. happy endings, less so. but they look at her, the curly gilded thread of her eyelashes, the brave smile on her face. they look at her trying. it's enough to make a man believe.]

Like fate, [they agree, finally.] Or maybe even destiny. [and then they put their drinks down— absconding with hers too. they pull her in firm against their chest, their arms finishing a firm circle around her. the faint scent of rummy mahogany and mineral metal comes out of them, sweet and dark. they hold her tight.]

[hasitsthorns]

[ She fits just as well as she always has against them. In a natural, fluid movement her arms wrap around them in kind and just as tight. She burrows her face into the flat of their chest and inhales deeply. It's a scent she's taken in many times and brings a saltwater sting to her tightly shut eyes to think it's one that will soon fade away.

Janus is not making it easy to say good-bye. But she has to believe, same as them, that maybe it is like fate. Or like destiny. That they're meant to leave and that maybe they were meant to meet. That maybe someday they'll meet again in this great, big multiverse out there. The chances of them coming together here were so astronomically slim so who's to say it can't happen again?

The blond gives another deep breath to suck back the tears she doesn't want them to see. She can save those until they're truly gone, she can be strong. She always has been, hasn't she? It might be a little muffled against their chest when she speaks again but, ]

Well, F.A.T.E.S. better at least have it so I can make sure you're okay. Or else I might have to have words with her.

&fade if it's good w you

[bangitybang]

[they smell the sweetness cupped in her pores, in her smooth forehead and long hair. she's warm and lovely, small enough that they can remember lifting her up. throwing her around a little, before they got back to kissing, the cinch of her muscular thighs.]

If she's listening, I'm sure she's afraid, [they say. and after that, they finish their coffee, watch her finish hers, and hold her for awhile, thinking about the chaos of panultima to come and the pain of separation to follow. there will be worse things, they know. there will be plenty of time to miss her in the years that follow.]