daemon: beach boyd

[jungianthing]

calling all citizens of Xistengjdssd

(I forgot how to spell it)

I need a fucking roommate. rent shared equally. no ice cubes in the freezer and we drink beer at room temperature. problem? do not respond or in fact contact me ever about anything

I'm looking for a chill roommate who won't act like a little bitch when I wake them up at 3am to perform my impressions reel from start to finish. when I wake you up for this I want carefully considered constructive fucking criticism or you will be sleeping in the bathroom 3 nights a week until I decide I'm over it

GROUND RULES

1. the Coca Cola in the refrigerator is not for you. my doctor prescribed it to me and if you touch it I will know about it
2. if I ring the triangle in the kitchen it means you have to go to bed. it doesn't matter what time it is
3. you may have friend over but they have a 250 word limit. after that they're not allowed to speak
4. you're not allowed to be taller than me (I'm 6'4")
5. if you wear socks you better not zap me with static electricity or you're gone
6. got a bike? good. once a week youre gonna ride it in the street and let me sit on the handlebars
7. you can't own an even number of shoes
8. once a week we drag our beds into the living room and sleep out there
9. if you say good morning to me you must then explain what's so good about it or I will send you back to your room
10. I get four of your shirts, my choice
13. you must own 4 watches as I will be taking them and putting one on each of the neighbor's dog's arms
14. do not sit down in this house unless you want me to put on a dumb ass old timey outfit and shine your shoes
15. throughout the course of the week you will round up a minimum of ten (10) fluorescent tubes so that I may get drunk and smash them in the garage sunday nights. you will clean up the mess
16. also you must put a pillow over your face when you sleep as I do not care to hear you breathing
17. If I nail a rat to your door, it's time to pay rent. two rats, I'm having sex in there. a third rat, disregard the previous two

ABOUT ME

1. sometimes I am in the bathroom for several hours. I'm not shitting, I'm doing other things like taxes
2. I am a mean Marine and a merchant of death
3. I'm a dog person but I won't say no to cats
4. I am zany and amorous
5. I am from 1968. apparently that matters around here. you are contractually obligated to explain cultural references I don't understand
6. people call me Joker
7. my star sign is Leo. if you're thinking of responding just to talk shit about Leos go ahead. hate keeps me humble

that's everything
peace

Comments

[monologue]

Gonna do your impressions from across the room?

Coward.

Take your constructive criticism like a real artist.

[jungianthing]

OK, here's my question: why

[monologue]

Here's my answer: why not?

[jungianthing]

here's my statement: don't answer a question with a question

[monologue]

Now who told you a bullshit thing like that?

[jungianthing]

common sense and a talent for writing

[monologue]

They sound like a real fun pair to have around.

[jungianthing]

they are! thanks a shitton for your kind words, Mr or Ms Dahliad

[monologue]

Whatever suits you! And it's Juno. Dahliad's my bird. Thingy.

[jungianthing]

yours is a bird? that's fun
mine is a nasty rat for some fucking reason
me and my buddies used to play games killing them so I can only imagine this place gave me a rat thing to guilt trip me
(it's not working)

[monologue]

It's not. She's a terrible peacock. Can't take her anywhere.

This place has the worst sense of humor in the universe and it probably only gets worse.

[jungianthing]

yeah, when are we gonna get forcibly thrown into a city at war that knows how to land a fucking joke? I mean fuck

[monologue]

Would have been way better for morale.

[jungianthing]

that's what we need
never ending morale boosts
can anybody put me in contact with Ann-Margret

[monologue]

If I knew her I would, beach boy.

[jungianthing]

someday I'll find someone who knows her
and when that day comes...

[monologue]

You'll what, exactly?

[jungianthing]

I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

[monologue]

Maybe she'll be your roommate. I bet she likes rats nailed to her door and Leos.

[jungianthing]

that's EXACTLY where I wanna be with my life

[monologue]

Doesn't hurt to keep dreaming then. Reach for the stars and all that, just remember that if you miss you'll probably die in space.

[jungianthing]

that's OK I'll just float through time or something until I'm a fetus or whatever happened in that movie

[monologue]

What the hell kind of movie was that?????

[jungianthing]

2001: A Space Odyssey
it was like 12 hours long

[monologue]

That was like a million years ago.

[ more like a few millenia ago, but still, feels like it. ]