xistentia | 2 truths and a lie; daemon: moonshined (cw-word)

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2 truths and a lie; daemon: moonshined (cw-word)

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE
Preferred Alias: kavinsky

vex aint a cunt
vex is a cunt
vex is a cunt

One Of These Is A Lie

[someone just broke up with his boyfriend, you get one guess as to who!]

[ meanwhile, nico is reminded of the brand on his back, the tattoo he'd gone and gotten with vex and how it symbolizes his and will's relationship. whereas vex has a tattoo symbolizing his and mark's. those are the kinds of things they do together because they're friends. and he can't think of a single moment when vex had ever gotten jealous over him. ]

I remember that orgy... [ his lips twitch as he catches kavinsky's eyes in the mirror. a brow lifts as he recalls the way he'd been fucked by both kavinsky and vex. ]

I love him, Kavinsky, but like a brother. I've never been in love with him. I don't know, maybe it's because he was my first and everything, but really... he's in love with Mark and I've always been in love with someone else.

I don't give a shit about that, [says kavinsky, which sounds dismissive-- and it is. but the fact is, he's never been very good at maintaining platonic friendships, with or without sex. some boundary tends to get crossed. and as a result, he tends to be shitty and forgetful of his friend-friends, at least, until he loses them, or someone points them out to him, or a threat arrives.] You'd still pick him over most people, that's all.

It's cool. [it's. not actually cool? or maybe it's thirty-five percent cool. or it's only cool when kavinsky isn't the one being chosen over. it's hard to say what kavinsky means by 'it's cool,' but considering he's minding himself as he carefully cuts pieces off nico's hair, he could certainly be more self-ignorant and vindictive right now.] You guys can have your weird platonic sexual bullshit I guess.

[snip snip snip. more black locks fall away from nico's head.]

[ a sigh as his gaze follows one particularly long chunk of hair fall away. kavinsky isn't wrong that he would pick vex over some people, but that's only because nico knows he can't save everybody. he'd tried and failed when it had been percy and annabeth, clinging to a ledge above the long descent into tartarus, and he'd barely survived in his mission to save camp. he's just not cut out to be a hero like will or percy. his own selfishness and fear gets in the way.

idly, he lifts his hands to his chest where he takes up the nervous habit of twisting the large skull ring on his finger. a tick that he starts any time he's forced to discuss a difficult topic. ]

I'd rather die than have to choose, though. When people say I have to... I hate that. I don't want to be forced to choose because if I had things my way, I'd choose everyone. And if I can't have things that way, I'd rather be the one hurt instead.

[ he tugs off the ring and looks at it for a few seconds, thinking about what would happen if his hand was forced. it certainly wouldn't be pretty. ]

Are you sure it's cool?

Everyone fucking chooses, [kavinsky says.] If you didn't take Vex's side, you'd be a bigger cunt than me. If you didn't pick Will over somebody you actively fucking hate, same difference.

[despite the sharp choice of words, kavinsky's hands stay gentle and instructive in nico's head. probably more assured than anybody with his novice level of expertise has a right to, really. no jokes please. (or do have jokes, it's always good for the dream thief to have something new to agonize over.) ('good for.')] Dying's a choice too, any day you're fuckin' alive, man. If you don't want to make any choices besides that one, you could do it today.

[another coal-black lock of hair falls away. kavinsky brushes it off nico's shoulder. somehow, talking about suicide takes his mind off vex. for better or worse.]

You stick around, the fucking hard choices are gonna find you some point.

[to be fair, the choices have gotten easier for kavinsky lately. hard to say why that is. he probably just doesn't think about them as much anymore, the muzzle of his gun less appealing, whole bottles of pills less a solution, final darkness mundane. maybe it's because he'd already been there and tried that. it's not the most fun way to learn, from your mistakes, but learn you do. even kavinsky, eventually.] But you do get to choose.

[ it's a bit surprising how gentle kavinsky's hands are despite how adamant he is when he speaks. it's a dichotomy that confuses nico and he wonders what made the other boy so fiercely certain about this topic. nico still personally thinks that he'd rather avoid choosing if he can, but he knows kavinsky has a point. it's saddening, in a way, that life would make them creatures of choice. ]

I've made hard choices before, Kavinsky. I hate when I have to. That's why I can't help but wonder if it's easier to die than to choose. For me, death wouldn't be so bad.

[ a pause and he reaches back for the hand in his hair, intending to still kavinsky for a moment. ]

But I get what you're saying. I couldn't leave Will or Vex or even you to mourn me until my time does come. I forget sometimes, you know? When you're as connected to death as I am, it never seems as bad of an option as people seem to think it is.

[ because when one is guaranteed a position of power, of peace, of the ability to reign over the dead, death doesn't seem like such a terrible prospect. he's been promised a room in his father's palace, a place in the elysium fields, and so much more. but then he thinks about will's threat to follow him to the underworld, another othello, or how vex is already mourning the loss of people so important to him, it breaks his heart and makes him feel a bit selfish. however, there's one thing he knows, and that this conversation isn't the first time he's considered death over life if it meant something. after all, there had been a time when he'd been so close to throwing his own life away in order to ensure peace. he can't help but think if something like that should come up again, he wouldn't hold back. ]

Man, the fuck does mourning got to do with it, [kavinsky says. in real life, mourning has everything to do with it, actually. he is terrified of sadness, of longing, of missing somebody so much that it physically hurts him in the chest like a heart attack, of wanting people that he can't have. it's made him a monster before. but it's easy-- convenient to pretend that mourning is nothing.] I'm saying, if you offed yourself, you wouldn't be around to protect these motherfuckers you claim to like.

Bad shit is always happening to Vex 'cause he fucking asks for it. But you know shit happens to good people too, [sorry vex. but he's not really sorry.] And Will could get into it any fuckin' day. You know death, you know that. The fucking multiverse is ending, man.

You might not give a shit about yourself dying, but I have some serious fucking doubts you could say the same for those two. [kavinsky might be overstepping. he's probably overstepping! overstepping is his main method of transportation, let's be real. nico may or may not notice, that as conceited and borderline psychotic about his egocentricism as kavinsky is, he automatically counts himself out when talking about the two nico would be concerned about, even though the death god had kindly shuffled him into the pile.]

Don't be a bitch, you know I'm right.

[snip snip.]

[ another sigh and nico can't help but frown. because kavinsky, of all people, is right. a realization that annoys nico more than it probably should. he wants to argue, talk about self sacrifice and how it's sometimes necessary, but he gets the feeling it's not something kavinsky could easily understand. for whatever reason. and it's not as though he doesn't like being wrong. it's that he doesn't like being wrong over something like death and life. it's supposed to be his purvey, his territory of understanding. he still remembers his father's stern figure in the chapel in portugal, telling him that some deaths can't be prevented and that some deaths shouldn't. how could kavinsky ever understand that kind of burden? ]

Fine. You're right. I wouldn't want them to be unprotected, especially Will. He's not much of a fighter and Vex is... [ well, vex. so he shrugs and watches as the motion sends dark curls cascading towards the floor. ] And there's you, can you even throw a decent punch?

Punching, shooting with a pistol. Sometimes I make monsters that breathe fucking fire, [kavinsky shrugs. he has an ego the size of the fucking moon, but he there's a nonchalance to the way he talks about killing. he believes to have his own domain of knowledge, but it's exactly the opposite of nico's. whether or not you die yourself, he genuinely does believe he's something of an expert with that, as much as anyone can be.

responsibility to others, that part is new. caring about whether or not the wills and vexes and nicos of the world die or not, and die well or not, and by whose hand. that part is new.]

You're just trying to find the easy way out because you don't want the people you care about get hurt and fucking die. That's why you say you'd rather die yourself. But there is no easy way out of that. No one great gesture that ends all of tragedy for all time. That's a cute idea. [and the last lock of hair falls loose, drifting with gravity.] But staying here, making those tough shit decisions, living with all the ass you done or didn't do or could do, that's where your courage is at, sweetheart. Especially if it's the harder fucking thing, for you.

[kavinsky puts down the scissors. pulls at nico's shoulders, bidding him to turn so they can look at different angles in the mirror.]

Hey, baby. You look kind of hot.

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2 truths and a lie; daemon: moonshined (cw-word)

lies

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tw suicide

cw: suicidal idealation

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