DAEMON: Mjölnird

[drapes]

[ this was not a conscious posting. this was mjolnird deciding thor needed to do some socializing, get out there and share some feelings and make some friends and whine about family problems. he will not even be noticing that this was posted until the first comment alerts him. whoopsies. ]

RAINBOW MEME

Preferred Alias: Thor, Son of Odin, God of Thunder, Strongest Avenger

RED - Something about yesterday: I failed in my sworn duty.
ORANGE - Something you do well: War.
YELLOW - Something about your childhood: My brother stabbed me a lot.
GREEN - Something you learned last week: Like me, my brother doesn't perish so easily from stab wounds.
BLUE - Something you can't live without: People.
INDIGO - Something you watch: The stars.
VIOLET - Something you listen to: A minstrel troupe the Midgardians call 'Led Zeppelin'.

Ask Me About My Rainbow

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

Shame you traded your remaining brain cells for it.

[drapes]

Oh look, Loki's calling me stupid again, must be a day that ends in y.

[dothelokimotion]

I'd hate for you to forget it.

[drapes]

I suspect you'll be carving it into my tombstone, even from the afterlife, should you go first.

[dothelokimotion]

I do have a terrible track record for dying and yet surviving. I'm not which one I should trade in.

[drapes]

Hardly a habit worth complaining about.

[ he likes it when you're alive, okay, even if you're being a butthole. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ A pause. He knows Thor doesn't want him hurt or dead, he knows Thor too well for that but a part of Loki still struggles with this. Thor who left him to Odin's judgement, who left him in the cells. Loki does not blame him for that, he cannot but a part of him stings all the same. Nothing is ever that clear cut between them anymore.

Or it is simply Loki, unable to believe, finds it easier to doubt. ]

You don't think so?

[drapes]

[ the dark world had a lot of stuff that didn't make a lot of sense ok shh loki ]

Does this question really need answering? We truly are in dire straits if that much isn't obvious.

[ how many times has he cried over him by now? not only in the moments of supposed death, but in separation alone. on midgard, when he'd been begging him to come home. thor isn't one to opening weep often, but loki's withdrawal from him had left his eyes plainly watering enough times one would think he'd be numb to it by now. not so. ]

Yes, brother. I much prefer you alive to the alternative.

[dothelokimotion]

[ look it's what he's got to work with!! ]

It is no longer obvious to me. It used to be, but things have changed.

[ No, Loki ]

[drapes]

[ the stubborn part of him wants to insist that it was loki alone who changed, but the part of him that's finally managed to grow up a little after a millennium of being a princely brat knows nothing is so one sided.

loki had needed him and he hadn't noticed, hadn't been there. even if much of it is the bitterness that sprang from the revelation of his birth, and while thor could never have agreed to the atrocities loki had sought to preform, there was likely something else he could have done. could have said. could have stopped being so selfishly focused on his own drama to notice. it takes a few second for the response to come, thor looking over the text mjolnir's now screen-like side, a sadness building in him. ]

I've never wished you dead, Loki. Wished you'd stop whatever mad schemes you're up to, yes. But never death.

[ there's a lengthy pause, and the [ ... ] that shows the other party is typing, and deleting, and typing again, and thinking over whether he wants to send it or not. finally - ]

Every time you've gone from us, I've mourned you. You could die and come back a hundred more times and I still would.

[dothelokimotion]

I didn't want you to mourn.

[ As much as he . . . appreciates it? That it helps to know there is at least one existence out there where his life matters, Loki has never wanted that. He never wanted to leave a scar on Thor so deep that the ache never ends.

( or he did, he wanted that, he wanted Thor to think of him always, just like loki did, staring at his brother's back ) ]

But I don't think I ever understood what any of you wanted.

[ Was it to die? To live? To be a stolen relic, to be grateful for Odin's kindness in exchange for his breath? He doesn't know. When a life is built on lies, the questions simply do not end. ]

[drapes]

Well, I've never been good at following your advice anyway.

[ whether loki wanted him to miss him or not, it's just the simple truth of it. loki had been his other half from the time they were infants to the moment he was exiled by odin. the boy he was before that would've never admitted to needing his little brother so much, but the years of being at war with him proved that beyond a doubt. ]

I can't speak to what our father or mother wanted of you, but as for me? I only wanted my brother.

[ nothing more than that. loki never needed to prove anything to him, and his blood would've changed nothing about who he was to him and what love thor has for him. hasn't still. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki says nothing for a long time. This is not a discussion he wants to hold for everyone to see. Even now, he cannot hear such sentiments from Thor without casting doubt. Loki cannot trust it, will not trust it.

Maybe I am permanently broken, he muses. Or at least something is, to continue this train of paranoia and doubt. It was always there, but never this bad. What he wants feels like a mystery, even to him. And Thor tries to make it simple. Loki cannot see simple for what it once was. ]

No, you were not.

[ It is deliberately cryptic and Loki leaves it at that. He can't do this anymore. ]

[drapes]

[ thor isn't much aware of the others that can see this. knows it's public, yes, but isn't thinking of that at the moment. the opinions of others don't sway his thoughts or actions much, save for those loved by him. loki's always been the one more conscious of appearance.

still, he recognizes short, ending answers from his brother. loki isn't looking to talk about this, not right now, at least. ]

Well, disastrous mistakes seem to be my forte. I'd hate to disappoint now.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki pauses, but he can't help himself. ]

I thought they were mine.

[drapes]

I seem to remember it was me that led us to Jotunheim and thus into war.

[ all the rest cascading from there. not that he's torturing himself over it, thor also has a much more lax outlook on grave mistakes than most. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Yeah, about that. Loki toys with the idea of telling Thor that he was the one who let the Frost Giants in but decides against it. ]

A war that never came to pass.

[drapes]

[ brobabe. hate to break it to you, but yeah. he fucking figured by now. despite what loki did to manipulate, the final choice and push was still his. ]

I'm not sure. I did lose my brother after, and the Bifrost was left crippled. Seems war-like enough.

[dothelokimotion]

Is that what I was, then? A casualty of war?

[drapes]

Brother, you were a general.

[dothelokimotion]

Is that what I was, Thor?

text > voice

[drapes]

[ sighing and looking into the sky, why me etc etc. it was actually kind of impressive, the way loki had maneuvered into power, had plotted against laufey, against the jotunns. if it hadn't have been so very insane of a thing to do, if it were actual war, if it wasn't an atrocity he was committing, he'd have been an amazing tactician.

sadly, it came from a boy angry, falling apart, and desperate, and thor hadn't known what to do with it, other than make it stop. still doesn't know what to do with it now. open dialogue was never their family's strong suit, and certainly not thor's. there's several things he types, deletes, and retypes, until finally just calling him. the message loki gets next is a voicemail, rather than text. ]

I'd meant you acted with the prowess of a ruler that I'd never had. [ his voice is soft, quite and somewhat private, talking with mjolnir laid on his chest, watching the ceiling of the apartment he'd taken to for the night. they'd had nights like this at home, laying out in the guards and watching for shooting stars while they mused. ] But in truth, you were my brother, and you were crumbling. I didn't know yet why, or how to stop it.

[ in the end, it was the same way he'd thought to stop all things before - brute force. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Thor can't hear much except the sound of Loki's sharp stuttering breaths, a sign he was more upset than he let on by Thor's words. But after that declaration, it slowly peters out into a normal pattern. Still his voice sounds jagged and wrecked. ]

I'm not a casualty of war. Not for him and not for you. I will not be.

[drapes]

[ it's these small things thor knows and has come to read well over the years. the harsh breaths as if straining to contain something. the rapid blinks when something unexpected happens, the excess of certainty exuded when he isn't so much. no matter how far loki goes from him and how wild his wrath gets, thor still knows his brother. ]

I know. It was a bad analogy.

[ voice the kind of talking after lights out quiet, but there's a quirk of humor in that. he'd missed this, just talking to his brother. even when they're bickering, it's that piece of familiarity, of fondness that's engraved in his bones, that feels like comfort and home. ]

You're Loki. There's no one else like you. [ even before all the mess of late. he'd stuck out in asgard because of that, picked on by the idiots of the nobility, but thor'd always admired out unique and different his brother was. he'd thought the world of him. a sigh leaves him, some rustling as thor settles into the couch he's flopped on, tone lighter when he speaks again. ] And thank the Norns for that, because I don't think the realms could survive two of you. And I only have enough blood for one to make sport out of pincushioning me.

[dothelokimotion]

[ There's a rattle of breath as Loki chuckles, soft and tentative, rich in flavor but so easily snuffed out. Loki never had the same volume as Thor, save when it came to his temper. He screamed and yelled, scrapping his usual gentle voice raw. He no longer cries openly, but his tears were in his words. He had his arms curled around Sabella, resting his hands around her, his chin on her forehead, her fur brushing against his chin much like Thor's beard would. ]

You never got me into trouble for that. You could have gone to Odin and put a stop to all of it.