xistentia | 2 truths and a lie; daemon: moonshined (cw-word)

[trusting kavinsky is often a mistake. ensuring he knows it's the mistake you're making is probably a whole other mistake. but there are worse mistakes to be made with kavinsky than that, these days. at least they aren't in love.

by the time nico emerges, there's an amateur barber's station set up in the bedroom, in front of the mirror posted at the foot of his bed. chair, scrap paper. a questionable but not unexpected beer sitting by the shears and a large pair of kitchen scissors. kavinsky pulls the other boy into sitting down on the seat, his jittery, tattooed fingers tugging on nico's arm. there's some shitty bulgarian rap blasting from kavinsky's laptop nearby.]

Hey.

[he scrunches his fingers through nico's hair. with his other hand, he picks up the shears.] Hey. How come I never met your boyfriend.

[ trusting kavinsky might be a mistake, but nico feels like it might turn out well this time. he's extending something to the other boy, trying to show that it's okay to be normal, okay to feel heartbreak sometimes, but acting out on it... not so much. that's why he's here, wrapping his toewl around his neck as he sits. the amateur barber station is a bit of a surprise until he remembers kavinsky can pretty much dream this stuff up and he notes how kavinsky still seems uneasy by the way his fingers dart across his skin.

what surprises him the most, though, is when kavinsky asks about will. it gives nico pause and he wonders why they've never met. styx, he can't even think of a time when kavinsky has ever asked before, much less shown interest. he considers the question for a moment and then replies. ]

Will's usually busy doing his doctoring stuff. I can introduce you, if you want, but he'll probably scold you on your health. He's like that.

[kavinsky feels around nico's scalp. it's a pretty, round, symmetrical thing, buried deep under thick black hair. there's a cruel and ugly part of his little soul that is tempted to smash it, like he's tempted to smash anything, from dishware to birds eggs, from jewels to the fragile construct of his own awful!! life. but that cruel and ugly part of him is only so because he knows of how little consequence such an attempt would be, that hates his own helplessness, that would only prove it in the attempt.

and there's another small, struggling, but growing part of him, that just thinks: nico's hair is pretty, and the shape of his skull is nice. he feels around the edge of it, then, abruptly, puts the clippers in, with a matter-of-fact click of the button. it begins buzzing fiercely, and strands drop from nico's skull. laying starkly against the white terrycloth towel, and a sharp contrast to the floor.]

Is that why you like him? [he asks. then, to soften it with a joke-- or to harden it, depending on how you see it,] Is that why you don't want Rafa to be your mom? You're already fucking one. [he smiles lopsidedly in the mirror.]

[ kavinsky's hands feel surprisingly good on his scalp, making him wonder if maybe this side of kavinsky could show more often and how he might coax it out. he's unaware of the other boys thoughts, but if he were, he'd show kavinsky the power of a big three demigod. not that he'd want to. for all the grief kavinsky gives him from time to time, he likes the boy, wants to get along with him and not just for vex's sake. there's something about the dream thief that draws nico in and maybe it's the power over dreams that they both have.

as soon as the razor is pressed to his scalp, he flinches. if only because it's been ages since he's had a haircut ( bianca had cut his hair for him, but bianca is gone forever ) and it's a strange sensation. as the inky locks fall away to land on the floor, nico feels a strange sense of loss that counters the equally strange sense of freedom.

he looks up at the mirror, watching kavinsky as he works, and frowns minutely. why does he like will? will solace is a nerd who sometimes nags him too much, but will also has an electric touch and a head on his shoulders that often keeps nico in line. preventing him from falling into some of his more self-loathing, self-sacrificing tendencies. nico thinks of percy and how percy never did that for him. he may have been in love with percy jackson, but will solace... he's good for him. ]

My mom is dead. Rafa and I are friends, but... He seems to see me as competition. So seeing him as a mother is a bit weird.

[kavinsky notices some stuff is happening in the death god's head. it's like chum in the water for the vile shark that lives inside his soul. but he doesn't fall into the old frenzy, having been lulled by the metaphorical chin stroke or whatever that divers use to tame sharks ... okay this metaphor is going too far.

but he looks nico in the mirror, an eyebrow ticking upward an imperceptible fraction of an inch. that question wasn't actually meant to be a hard one. but then his eyes drop again and he steers the clippers a little lower, taking more coal-black locks off the base of nico's skull. he runs his finger along the other boy's scalp to make sure it's going to come out symmetrical and then hades' very own son doesn't try to kill him later.

no no he doesn't really think it'd go that way, if he were to be honest with himself. he's just not very good at honesty under the best of circumstances, and he's been eyes deep in his own miserable bullshit all week.] Competition? [oooooo. draaama. okay but not really. somehow, that doesn't surprise kavinsky entirely. he picks up a comb and starts poking around pretending he has any idea what he's doing.] Is it with Vex?

[ rolling his eyes, nico manages a sigh. kavinsky has hit the nail on the head and nico wonders just how much he knows. nico is aware how close kavinsky and rafa are ( the way kavinsky calls him "mom" is a big clue ), and though he's close to rafa too, it's in a different sort of way. maybe it's because of that linger jealousy rafa seems to have, but nico doesn't quite understand it. he may be friends with vex, best friends even, and they may fuck around from time to time, but he was never a romantic rival. he was never a romantic option for vex when nico had been so enthralled by percy jackson. ]

Rafa seems to think I'm some kind of obstacle in the way of his relationship with Vex. But Vex and I are just friends. We're close, yeah, but not romantically or anything.

Edited 2017-09-29 21:13 (UTC)

[of course kavinsky knows. he's an expert at jealousy. actually that's wrong; it is in fact a minor miracle that kavinsky knows. he's been through three or four ronan lynches at this point and still has zero fucking cluepons that his old friend was in love with adam parrish, of all people.

still, vex and rafa. that's different. they get shitty about each other. kavinsky remembers.]

They're weird about each other. During that big fucking orgy Vex and Mark threw back in Eudio, Vex got all fucked up about Rafa biting me. He got in between us. Like. Physically. Fucked Rafa inside out, practically. [kavinsky shrugs a shoulder up, still navigating the scissors carefully around the pretty-perfect symmetry of nico's skull, trimming around him neatly as you like. and his hands stay gentle and precise, even when he says:] You can't fuckin' pretend like you and Vex aren't weird about each other, man.

[ meanwhile, nico is reminded of the brand on his back, the tattoo he'd gone and gotten with vex and how it symbolizes his and will's relationship. whereas vex has a tattoo symbolizing his and mark's. those are the kinds of things they do together because they're friends. and he can't think of a single moment when vex had ever gotten jealous over him. ]

I remember that orgy... [ his lips twitch as he catches kavinsky's eyes in the mirror. a brow lifts as he recalls the way he'd been fucked by both kavinsky and vex. ]

I love him, Kavinsky, but like a brother. I've never been in love with him. I don't know, maybe it's because he was my first and everything, but really... he's in love with Mark and I've always been in love with someone else.

I don't give a shit about that, [says kavinsky, which sounds dismissive-- and it is. but the fact is, he's never been very good at maintaining platonic friendships, with or without sex. some boundary tends to get crossed. and as a result, he tends to be shitty and forgetful of his friend-friends, at least, until he loses them, or someone points them out to him, or a threat arrives.] You'd still pick him over most people, that's all.

It's cool. [it's. not actually cool? or maybe it's thirty-five percent cool. or it's only cool when kavinsky isn't the one being chosen over. it's hard to say what kavinsky means by 'it's cool,' but considering he's minding himself as he carefully cuts pieces off nico's hair, he could certainly be more self-ignorant and vindictive right now.] You guys can have your weird platonic sexual bullshit I guess.

[snip snip snip. more black locks fall away from nico's head.]

[ a sigh as his gaze follows one particularly long chunk of hair fall away. kavinsky isn't wrong that he would pick vex over some people, but that's only because nico knows he can't save everybody. he'd tried and failed when it had been percy and annabeth, clinging to a ledge above the long descent into tartarus, and he'd barely survived in his mission to save camp. he's just not cut out to be a hero like will or percy. his own selfishness and fear gets in the way.

idly, he lifts his hands to his chest where he takes up the nervous habit of twisting the large skull ring on his finger. a tick that he starts any time he's forced to discuss a difficult topic. ]

I'd rather die than have to choose, though. When people say I have to... I hate that. I don't want to be forced to choose because if I had things my way, I'd choose everyone. And if I can't have things that way, I'd rather be the one hurt instead.

[ he tugs off the ring and looks at it for a few seconds, thinking about what would happen if his hand was forced. it certainly wouldn't be pretty. ]

Are you sure it's cool?

Everyone fucking chooses, [kavinsky says.] If you didn't take Vex's side, you'd be a bigger cunt than me. If you didn't pick Will over somebody you actively fucking hate, same difference.

[despite the sharp choice of words, kavinsky's hands stay gentle and instructive in nico's head. probably more assured than anybody with his novice level of expertise has a right to, really. no jokes please. (or do have jokes, it's always good for the dream thief to have something new to agonize over.) ('good for.')] Dying's a choice too, any day you're fuckin' alive, man. If you don't want to make any choices besides that one, you could do it today.

[another coal-black lock of hair falls away. kavinsky brushes it off nico's shoulder. somehow, talking about suicide takes his mind off vex. for better or worse.]

You stick around, the fucking hard choices are gonna find you some point.

[to be fair, the choices have gotten easier for kavinsky lately. hard to say why that is. he probably just doesn't think about them as much anymore, the muzzle of his gun less appealing, whole bottles of pills less a solution, final darkness mundane. maybe it's because he'd already been there and tried that. it's not the most fun way to learn, from your mistakes, but learn you do. even kavinsky, eventually.] But you do get to choose.

[ it's a bit surprising how gentle kavinsky's hands are despite how adamant he is when he speaks. it's a dichotomy that confuses nico and he wonders what made the other boy so fiercely certain about this topic. nico still personally thinks that he'd rather avoid choosing if he can, but he knows kavinsky has a point. it's saddening, in a way, that life would make them creatures of choice. ]

I've made hard choices before, Kavinsky. I hate when I have to. That's why I can't help but wonder if it's easier to die than to choose. For me, death wouldn't be so bad.

[ a pause and he reaches back for the hand in his hair, intending to still kavinsky for a moment. ]

But I get what you're saying. I couldn't leave Will or Vex or even you to mourn me until my time does come. I forget sometimes, you know? When you're as connected to death as I am, it never seems as bad of an option as people seem to think it is.

[ because when one is guaranteed a position of power, of peace, of the ability to reign over the dead, death doesn't seem like such a terrible prospect. he's been promised a room in his father's palace, a place in the elysium fields, and so much more. but then he thinks about will's threat to follow him to the underworld, another othello, or how vex is already mourning the loss of people so important to him, it breaks his heart and makes him feel a bit selfish. however, there's one thing he knows, and that this conversation isn't the first time he's considered death over life if it meant something. after all, there had been a time when he'd been so close to throwing his own life away in order to ensure peace. he can't help but think if something like that should come up again, he wouldn't hold back. ]

Man, the fuck does mourning got to do with it, [kavinsky says. in real life, mourning has everything to do with it, actually. he is terrified of sadness, of longing, of missing somebody so much that it physically hurts him in the chest like a heart attack, of wanting people that he can't have. it's made him a monster before. but it's easy-- convenient to pretend that mourning is nothing.] I'm saying, if you offed yourself, you wouldn't be around to protect these motherfuckers you claim to like.

Bad shit is always happening to Vex 'cause he fucking asks for it. But you know shit happens to good people too, [sorry vex. but he's not really sorry.] And Will could get into it any fuckin' day. You know death, you know that. The fucking multiverse is ending, man.

You might not give a shit about yourself dying, but I have some serious fucking doubts you could say the same for those two. [kavinsky might be overstepping. he's probably overstepping! overstepping is his main method of transportation, let's be real. nico may or may not notice, that as conceited and borderline psychotic about his egocentricism as kavinsky is, he automatically counts himself out when talking about the two nico would be concerned about, even though the death god had kindly shuffled him into the pile.]

Don't be a bitch, you know I'm right.

[snip snip.]

[ another sigh and nico can't help but frown. because kavinsky, of all people, is right. a realization that annoys nico more than it probably should. he wants to argue, talk about self sacrifice and how it's sometimes necessary, but he gets the feeling it's not something kavinsky could easily understand. for whatever reason. and it's not as though he doesn't like being wrong. it's that he doesn't like being wrong over something like death and life. it's supposed to be his purvey, his territory of understanding. he still remembers his father's stern figure in the chapel in portugal, telling him that some deaths can't be prevented and that some deaths shouldn't. how could kavinsky ever understand that kind of burden? ]

Fine. You're right. I wouldn't want them to be unprotected, especially Will. He's not much of a fighter and Vex is... [ well, vex. so he shrugs and watches as the motion sends dark curls cascading towards the floor. ] And there's you, can you even throw a decent punch?

Punching, shooting with a pistol. Sometimes I make monsters that breathe fucking fire, [kavinsky shrugs. he has an ego the size of the fucking moon, but he there's a nonchalance to the way he talks about killing. he believes to have his own domain of knowledge, but it's exactly the opposite of nico's. whether or not you die yourself, he genuinely does believe he's something of an expert with that, as much as anyone can be.

responsibility to others, that part is new. caring about whether or not the wills and vexes and nicos of the world die or not, and die well or not, and by whose hand. that part is new.]

You're just trying to find the easy way out because you don't want the people you care about get hurt and fucking die. That's why you say you'd rather die yourself. But there is no easy way out of that. No one great gesture that ends all of tragedy for all time. That's a cute idea. [and the last lock of hair falls loose, drifting with gravity.] But staying here, making those tough shit decisions, living with all the ass you done or didn't do or could do, that's where your courage is at, sweetheart. Especially if it's the harder fucking thing, for you.

[kavinsky puts down the scissors. pulls at nico's shoulders, bidding him to turn so they can look at different angles in the mirror.]

Hey, baby. You look kind of hot.

2 truths and a lie; daemon: moonshined (cw-word)

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hayley this tag was so beautiful!

not as beautiful as yours!

never

lies

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tw suicide

cw: suicidal idealation

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